gonna take it all and set me free

okay okay maybe I’ll try do keep up to date with this more after rereading the few things...

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 13:33:10 -0500

okay okay maybe I’ll try do keep up to date with this more after rereading the few things I’ve written about. I will just say that I’m currently wearing a new binder and it’s radically more comfortable. I don’t think it binds as well, but I think it might be worth it (we’ll see how the dysphoria goes with it though). But that’s the good news there! woohoo

"Marriage and military service and adoption and ordination into the priesthood are suddenly “gay..."

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 00:00:37 -0500

“Marriage and military service and adoption and ordination into the priesthood are suddenly “gay issues,” whereas things like housing, health care, police brutality, gentrification … those? As if to say, “Oh no, we can’t be concerned with any of that! We’re just so excited about gay cops, because if we have gay cops gunning down unarmed people of color, then we have arrived!” It’s the nightmare of identity politics where gay becomes an end point, a rationalization for celebrating the worst aspects of dominant-culture straight identity: nationalism, racism, classism, patriotism, consumerism, militarism, patriarchy, imperialism, misogyny; every other form of systemic violence becomes a hot accessory.”

- Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore (via inherkissitastetherevolution)

"Resistance to oppression takes on the confident form of political organizing only after a certain..."

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 13:22:03 -0500

“Resistance to oppression takes on the confident form of political organizing only after a certain critical mass of collective awareness of oppression, and a determination to end it, has been reached. There are always isolated individuals who prefigure that awareness, who openly rebel before the oppressed community of which they are a part can offer them significant support and sustenance. These individuals—the Nat Turners of the world—are in some sense transhistorical: They have somehow never been fully socialized into the dominant ideology, into its prescriptions and limitations; they exist apart, a form of genius”

- Martin Duberman, Stonewall

Butch/Butch?

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 17:52:00 -0500

I finished reading “Stone Butch Blues” a few days ago; it was pretty good and a nice break from all the queer theory I had been reading AND talked about the queer movement back in the day (aka right around the time of Stonewall). Essentially the book was told from the perspective of a butch female-bodied person during the time of Stonewall and the amount of abuse she received as a result of it through the general public as well as, and predominantly through, the police. Since there weren’t many options at that time, this person decided to transition, started taking testosterone and started to pass as male. The book went through her/his identity crisis and struggle and ultimately she/he stopped taking hormones and laid somewhere in the middle of man and woman, during a time when that was especially misunderstood. Throughout the book, though, she acknowledged her lack of identifying as male, but rather identifying as a butch woman who, in order to survive in this world, needed to transition and pass as male, since being perceived as a butch woman was not a safe lifestyle. Anyway, the book altogether was really good. I felt really uncomfortable with all the things that happened, and surprisingly grateful with the amount of safety I have in comparison, while also recognizing how unsafe I feel on a pretty regular basis (perhaps a topic for a whole ‘nother time). A little over halfway through the book, there was an incident that really struck me and which really started making me think. The main character’s (Jess) reunited with a butch friend of hers who she discovered shortly after their reunion was in a relationship with another butch woman. She immediately walked away from the two of them and then thought:

“The more I thought about the two of them being lovers, the more it upset me. I couldn’t stop thinking about them kissing each other. It was like two guys. Well, two gay guys would be aright. But two butches? How could they be attracted to each other? Who was the femme in bed?”

The two then have a confrontation:

“Frankie looked stunned. ‘What’s your fuckin’ problem with me? Are you really gonna cut another butch loose just because you can’t deal with who turns me on?’

I wished someone had muzzled me because I was so worked up I couldn’t control my mouth. ‘What makes you think you’re still a butch?’ I asked her sarcastically.” (Leslie Feinberg 207).

I was especially frustrated during this part of the book particularly because I feel like this hasn’t changed that much over the past 50 years. However, the other problems that were addressed in the book (violence against expressing a queer identity for instance), as frustrating and upsetting as they were to me, have been resolved to SOME degree. When I look at queer couples that I know/know of, most, if not all, appear to be very gendered in that one seems to express their gender as feminine and the other as masculine/androgynous. Now I just want to preface this with saying that I don’t want to make assumptions about these couples; I have no ability to know who people are innately attracted to and how socialization plays a role in that—I can only assume through my attitudes towards socialization.

Through my own experiences, I have typically been (primarily) romantically involved with female-bodied people who identify as women and who are rather feminine. HOWEVER, I am attracted to female-bodied people who are similar to me—who identify as genderqueer and/or have a more androgynous gender expression. Regardless of my past, that is definitely who I am attracted to. But the problem is that frequently those people tend to not be attracted to me, they tend to be attracted to more feminine looking female-bodied people. Now as I already said I don’t want to say that it’s a problem that genderqueer individuals aren’t attracted to other genderqueer individuals especially cause that’s a huge generalization, however why haven’t I really found others besides myself? My first instinct is that even as queer individuals, we are socialized to be in femme/butch (or something along those lines) relationships, where there’s a clear distinction who is the “woman” and who is the “man” in the relationship. And this frustrates me, obviously. It frustrates me because it continues to pose the nature vs nurture argument especially in a community that, I feel, is intentionally different from the mainstream community (though maybe that’s a problematic statement. Is the queer community actually separate from the mainstream community? Is it a problem to be outside the larger society and does that create more separate-ness than desired?). It frustrates me because it perpetuates the idea that relationships made up of two individuals of similar gender identities are not okay (which is obviously already perpetuated by mainstream society as a whole, so why the fuck allow that to be perpetuated in the one community we’re supposed to feel safe in?). Although it has been over 50 years since the basis of this novel, I still find the statement made by Jess, the main character, to still be held as very true. People are uncomfortable, uneasy by two “butches” together—they don’t know what roles each play, as if a same sex couple must still embody so many of the problematic gender roles laid out by opposite sex couples.

I find this to be particularly relevant to me now because I have feelings for someone who, as far as my understanding goes, identifies as genderqueer and has a similar gender expression as myself. I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone about my feelings towards this person and specifically how bothered I am that it gets turned into this big deal within the queer community when two people of similar gender expressions (I realize that I’m solely talking about genderqueer/butch female-bodied people, but the same goes for feminine women) are into one another and she made a comment along the lines of “it’s like being gay within the queer community” implying that it’s like what Jess from “Stone Butch Blues” says “it was like two guys.” Now I don’t think she is agreeing that this is okay, and I certainly don’t, but that made me think that that is how it is seen and that then turns into a conversation of how often gender and sexuality are conflated. The fact that I dress more masculine and identify as not a woman or a man does NOT mean that I am “naturally” attracted to feminine female-bodied people. What an essentialist idea. That’s exactly like saying that men are innately attracted to women and women are innately attracted to men, which obviously in the queer community should and is understood as entirely incorrect. So why is it okay to assume that because my gender identity does not match my sex that I must be attracted to someone with an opposite gender identity, whatever the fuck that may mean.

In reference to what the book details, I started to recognize that maybe at the time it was safer for there to be this dichotomy. Butch and femme “lovers” (hate that word, but maybe it’s necessary right now .. yuck) could pass as a straight couple when anything but heterosexual was demonized to the point of an insane lack of safety. Now I frequently feel unsafe when I go places by myself, but it has only once been to the point of feeling like my life was in danger. As a result, being in a relationship with someone who was more feminine would perhaps make me feel safer to some degree, but I don’t feel like it’s necessary for my security as perhaps was necessary during the time this book was written about (although I certainly think a lot of Jess’ disgust came out of what I had already been talking about and less of a feeling of safety, at least to some degree). And although I can’t speak for most people especially since I have only been living in a rural area for a little while, an area typically with fewer connections to queer communities and thus more unsafe, I assume that it is less about safety and more about this idea of what queer couples are supposed to look like.

I suppose I could address this in a frustration (overuse of word) with how radical communities, communities that intentionally separate themselves from mainstream society for obvious and, in my opinion, necessary (and gr8) reasons still are so affected by socialization and by many aspects of mainstream society that are problematic. Granted I don’t think it’s possible to escape socialization (thanks long conversation with housemate!), but I think it is possible to make conscious efforts to notice where socialization has affected you. I’m certainly not the person I was raised to be by my family, by my schooling, and certainly not by society as a whole. I also recognize all the things that still affect me, acknowledging that I’m sure I don’t even know the half of it. I suppose my main point, one which I think has potentially changed, is that even (and maybe especially) the queer community needs to recognize its limitations, its problems, and make efforts to be more inclusive of all people, all couples, all genders; the system will destroy us if we continue to be divided and especially on issues as silly as same gendered couples.

I’ve been watching him a lot, trying to figure out exactly why he frustrates me so much. I think...

Fri, 04 Feb 2011 09:50:00 -0500

I’ve been watching him a lot, trying to figure out exactly why he frustrates me so much. I think for the most part it is because he is an irritating person; almost everything he does bothers me, but I recognize that if almost any other person were to do what he did, it wouldn’t bother me nearly as much. Some people just have that quality and I do feel badly that it has gotten to the point that being around him even for a little puts me in an awful mood. And then sometime last week I started really thinking about it and naturally I began to look at it through my gender lens, the one I usually look through. Although he is certainly not a particularly masculine boy, he is definitely a boy. For me it is clear to see how he was socialized as such. He is aggressive and pushy. He needs to always have a point in a conversation even if it doesn’t make sense or if he doesn’t really know what is being discussed; somehow he feels that talking is better than not, even if it makes him sound somewhat unintelligent. I’m able to see these qualities even more so when we all lobby together; I’m always, for some reason or another, put on the same “team” with him to go to the different legislatures. I walk with another person and for some reason he needs to walk faster. He needs to walk faster than I do. He needs to talk to whoever seems to be more “in charge” and input his opinions, something that particularly irritates me because I know that I know more about the issues we’re lobbying about. And I think back to my many Gender Studies classes where we talk about how the socialization among the different gender in schools teaches boys to raise their hand all the time even if they don’t know the right answer, even if they continually get answers wrong. It teaches girls to be quiet and that if they do raise their hand and get something wrong that that’s it, girls’ hands are no longer raised. I know this and I feel that I don’t fit this socialized girl, yet I walk slower when I see him push forward. I don’t always say something when I know I have something intelligent to say, rather I wait till there’s a break in conversation and then I insert my comment. I find that it is usually well received, but I still refrain from being particularly aggressive with what I say.

Today I thought about this movement, the environmental movement, the movement against MTR in Appalachia, the social justice movement and I was frustrated with the problems I still found with the lack of diversity among gender deviation. Yeah there are more male bodied people in this movement than female bodied people, as there are in most social movements, an obvious exception being the feminist movement. Of the people I have met so far in this movement, I have met one, maybe two people I would say who are gender non-conforming in more of a way than not being the “societally” typical man/woman. I say that because the perceptions of men and women, particularly of women, in Appalachia differ so much from the perceptions of women in the larger parts of society. Granted I haven’t met anywhere close to the actual number of activists fighting in the Appalachia region against MTR and so this remains to be a huge generalization, one which I know, but which I still, unfortunately I s’pose, hold on to. Although I have found that many of the men and women in this movement are very different than many men and women I have met outside of this movement, I find that I still feel like an outsider. An outsider for more than just the fact that I was born in the Northeast, that I haven’t spent years in this area. An outsider because my gender identity is always on my mind. And that makes me wonder, is that a problem?

Several weeks ago I was out to lunch with about six other people I had been lobbying with and we started talking about this movement. Rather, we started talking about the environmental movement, the impending doom that was upon us. We talked about the apocalypse that was impossible to stop, but our work would merely prolonge, or at least would educate those about this imminent future. One of the men in the group, a 28-year-old thin white man with long brown hair and a long beard, made a comment about how he didn’t respect, or rather didn’t understand, how anyone could be working for a movement that was not focused, in some way or another, about addressing the environmental devastation that was looming over us. He appreciated work in Arizona, for instance, with No More Deaths, but it didn’t help to curb this apocalypse. I sat there at the table and didn’t say anything, but I thought, what a privileged thing to say. And I think back now how I wish I had said something to him instead of ignoring it and letting it tear me up. Granted I agree with him that the devastation humans have done to this earth is irreversible and as a result we are doomed; to me it is extremely important to fight against the evils of this world who not only take advantage of all others, but are almost solely responsible to the death of this earth. But on the other hand, he is a white cis gendered male from a middle class background (though I am guessing on that) and is in a partnership with a cis gendered female, though I don’t necessarily want to assume anything about his sexuality. But with all that being said, how can he say that he doesn’t respect an individual, for instance, fighting in the queer movement because they can’t continue to live each day in the closet, being scared about their gender or sexuality. Maybe they recognize that the earth is fucked and the apocalypse is coming, but they can’t live the next 30 years not trying to gain rights that he automatically has with his privilege.

And I sit here and I wonder. I know right now I am doing what I want to be doing. I look at how sick the people of these communities are, how they are being poisoned every single day and how so many of them don’t know why, and if they do know why, they don’t care because there aren’t any other choices out there for them. They can’t afford to leave the coal company that is slowly killing them, and so they suffer through day in and day out. I look at how beautiful these mountains are, how beautiful these people with their rich histories, their sense of family and community, and I feel like I shouldn’t and I can’t think about how hard it is for me to be here as a queer individual, without any other person here who I feel like I can really relate to in that sense. And then I do think about it. I think about how when I make outreach calls to people in the community I am always referred to as miss, darling, ma’am. How even though I dress in more masculine clothing, I am still called miss, darling, ma’am, girl, lady. And every time someone doesn’t question my gender, every time someone assumes I’m a “girl” because I have boobs and a feminine face, I get upset. I get frustrated and annoyed and I start to yearn for a queer community within this community. But that’s not how it is here. As much as I hate that, I respect it at the same time. This community is not a city, or a suburb, or even similar to other rural places that I can think of. There’s no cell service within 40 or so miles, most people don’t have internet, and Christianity is still so strong. Although I hate how Christianity is used, I feel as if I am coming from such an outside place and imposing so many of my attitudes onto this place, something I’m not sure I’m okay with. I want there to be a queer community, not just for myself, but so that there will be a place that a queer child can go to once they recognize that it would be near impossible coming out in a place like this. But I don’t know. I’m not really sure if the community is ready for that and as much as I am not okay with saying that, as much as I believe so strongly in educating people about the queer movement, about what it means to be queer, about how fucked up it is to not accept these individuals, I am still torn. Is this community ready for this? Am I forcing my ideals, my privileged background upon other people? My first thought is American imperialism. Is this similar to how the military, or rather the government, or rather corporations impose United States democracy on other counties?

It’s not at all. But why do I feel like it is?

bahaha

Sun, 16 Jan 2011 18:02:51 -0500

bahaha

I had a lot of dysphoria today. I know it has a lot to do with my clothes and how I look in them,...

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 18:51:23 -0500

I had a lot of dysphoria today. I know it has a lot to do with my clothes and how I look in them, obviously. On the one hand I’m really satisfied with like three different shirts I have and I wear them regularly and I’m really okay with that. But on the other hand, I know I need to wear more than just three different things. Today I tried on a few long sleeve thermals that I had gotten sometime last year and I just hated how I looked in them. I felt like a super awkward girl in a boy’s shirt, which is not at all what I’m going for as an expression of my identity. I’m not necessarily trying to look like a man, but I don’t want to look like a woman either. It also doesn’t help that I have huge boobs, which most of the time I’m totally fine with. But then there are days like today when they stick out of my shirt and I really hate it. I have two sports bras on, which does nothing. And I don’t have the money to get a binder, nor do I know if that’s even what I want. All I know, in terms of my gender, is that I want to look more androgynous and that there definitely are days when I would like to look more masculine than my super feminine face will let me. I’ve been reading a lot of blogs from FTM individuals who hate being mistaken for a 12-year-old boy, and I’m starting to feel similarly. Granted I like being mistaken for a boy, but I’d prefer someone closer to my age: 21. I wear my pants low, which I definitely like, but I know also creates the impression of a pre-pubescent boy. But if I wear them higher, then they’re more feminine and so I lose that aspect. It’s really difficult and super frustrating most days. And it’s surprisingly difficult for me to talk to it with my queer friends, who I would think would be most understanding. I’ve been really wanting to change my name. I don’t want a super masculine name, because I don’t identify as a man, but I want a more androgynous name. I don’t like introducing myself and having such a feminine name so people are obviously like “Oh okay, that is a girl.” Cause, no. I’d much rather have a more neutral name, one which people wont necessarily be able to guess my gender or sex with. I brought it up a few weeks ago to some of my friends and they just turned it into a big joke. And I mean I get it because I s’pose to most of them I hadn’t really talked about my gender any more than saying that I identify as genderqueer, but it still kind of sucked. It’s difficult for me to talk to people when I’m at my parent’s house because, even though I consider some of them my best friends, they’re pretty ignorant when it comes to issues of gender and I don’t think they’d entirely understand. So I s’pose I just assumed that my queer friends would be more supportive, but I guess it’s also up to me to make it more clear that it is an issue and hopefully receive positive feedback from there.

I guess I’ve just been struggling with this more and more lately. But as much as I hate that, it is reassuring because I believe so strongly that gender is something that needs to be present. I think it’s so easy for people to forget about how they identify, but (at least to me) my gender is such a huge part of me and I do like the fact that it’s changing a lot and that I know it’s not necessarily totally stagnate. I hope that was articulate.

"We can learn to work and speak when we are afraid in the same way we have learned to work and speak..."

Sat, 25 Dec 2010 01:12:03 -0500

“We can learn to work and speak when we are afraid in the same way we have learned to work and speak when we are tired. For we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own needs for language and definition, and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us. The fact that we are here and that I speak these words is an attempt to break that silence and bridge some of those differences between us, for it is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence. And there are so many silences to be broken”

- Audre Lorde, The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action